My Depression and the Pursuit of God
“You keep…in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you.” – Isaiah 26:3 ESV
photo: Raye Wortel
One morning I laid in bed with a familiar gray weight upon my heart and spirit. Years had come and gone since depression entered my world. My marriage suffered in the shadows, and my kids often whispered, “What’s wrong with Momma?”
Waves of anger, hopelessness, and discouragement ebbed and flowed everyday.
How much longer will this go on? I thought. Has every breath of my life been reduced to tears, lifelessness and gloom? Will I ever feel more than heavy-hearted despair?
As I rolled over, trying to pluck up the courage to put on my “happy face”, a voice echoed inside my head.
Try God.
Honestly, I had no idea how to “Try God” more than I did. For years I prayed for him to relieve me of my burden only to find empty silence. I screamed, I begged and cried for freedom only to remain caged in cold darkness.
Try God? I thought I was. Everyday I longed for him to whisk me to his mountaintop where I could feel warmth and light, and fill my shriveled soul with joy.
Try God? Sure, but I was tired.
Yet I couldn’t ignore the quiet insistence of those two words.
As I made my way to the bathroom I prayed, “Lord, I guess I don’t know what “Try God” means, so I’ll wait for you to show me.”
The next day, I registered my son for preschool at a local church. As I moved down the row filling out forms, I stopped at the last table. The woman sitting there asked if I would like to join a Bible study for mothers.
Immediately, I knew what “Try God” meant.
It didn’t mean another prayer, or another wish for a mountaintop experience. It meant it was time to KNOW him.
Though I prayed, I failed to know the Receiver of those prayers, and though I called on him to heal me, I was unfamiliar with the One called Healer.
A few days later I started the study, and for more than a year, I was on an emotional high with the Lord. Never before had I experienced such closeness and ease in prayer, praise, and worship. Then one day it was gone. It was like I tumbled off the mountain side and landed face-first in a mud puddle in the valley.
I tried clawing my way back up the mountain – just to live once more in that high place of joy. My faith felt shattered and it wasn’t long before the hounds of depression chased me again.
Jen Wilkin, author of a new book called Women of the Word: How to Study the Bible with Both our Hearts and Our Minds says this about pursuing only a “heart relationship” with the Lord:
“For some of us, the strength of our faith is gauged by how close we feel to God at any given moment – by how a sermon made us feel, or how a worship chorus made us feel, by how our quiet time made us feel…but sustaining our emotions can be exhausting and defeating. Changing circumstances can topple our emotional stability in an instant.”
Over the years I’ve come to learn my greatest peace, and freedom from depression has come from my pursuit of knowing and understanding the Lord, and not from my emotional hunt of him.
Isaiah 26:3 says he keeps in perfect peace whose MIND is stayed on him. When our thoughts are steadfast to the faithfulness of God – in all circumstances, we shall live in perfect peace.
But how can our thoughts remain on him, if our mind does not know him?
And how can our heart love, what our mind does not know?
The intellectual pursuit of God through his Word (not through others) will bring about a lasting peace that transcends our circumstances.
He has opened their minds to understand the Scriptures (Luke 24:45), and in it’s pages he proclaims peace.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” (John 14:27)
Let’s dust off our Bibles, crack open the spine, and get to know this God of ours.
And in the words of Paul…
“And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment.” (Philippians 1:9) Amen.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: your bravery is an inspiration to me as a niece and a Christian.
The more people that are willing to talk about Depression–which I myself have battled–the better off we all are as a community of women of faith.
So proud to be a part of your family, Aunt Raye. I love you!
Thanks so much Steph, you’re pretty inspiring yourself!
Thank you so much for addressing depression. I struggle with it often and could so relate to: “For some of us, the strength of our faith is gauged by how close we feel to God at any given moment – by how a sermon made us feel, or how a worship chorus made us feel, by how our quiet time made us feel…but sustaining our emotions can be exhausting and defeating. Changing circumstances can topple our emotional stability in an instant.” Never realized I was only pursuing a heart relationship and not really knowing and understanding God. I am looking forward to overcoming depression and finding that real peace with God. Thank you again for sharing.
Depression is such a tough road. I pray you will find freedom, Jan, and grow in the knowledge of Him.
Thank you Raye.
I too have experienced depression. I was fortunate it was a short time but I can say I know how lost one can feel when in that deep hole. Also, when I was a child I had separation anxiety especially at times my mom had to go somewhere. That crept it’s ugly head after my husband died and I have fought it since. Even this last week it decided to show up. I definitely turned to God’s hand and held it tight knowing He would help me take one step forward at a time. I have just received the book Women of the Word. Thanks for your recommendation. Thank you Raye for this reminder. I know I’m wrapped in His arms.
You certainly are Judy! Looking forward to seeing you soon.
So true and thank you for putting it so well and bringing us back to the truth about it. You are so good at this.
Glad you found something here today, thank you for stopping by Jackie.
I have been here for the ksdt three days. And it is true. HE is faithful and HE draws near to the brokenhearted to bid us to take HIS hand. I had to choose to once again reach up and grab it. I’m so glad I have. Thank you dear friend for the reminder. .
I’m glad you have taken his hand once again friend. Peace to you!